everything is not fine
I don’t know what the hell is going on anymore. I’m about one media story or a bit of bad news away from walking into the sea with a handful of edibles and a bottle of whiskey, where, ideally, I’ll be immediately swallowed by a whale. Sometimes after reading a thing even more disturbing than the last deranged thing I read about, I’ve considered faking my death and moving to a cave to ride out the final days of Earth. Not a solid plan, however, since I don’t eat meat and, to sustain my solo cave-life, would be forced to forage for berries that would no doubt cause me to diarrhea myself into oblivion. I’ll pass. Still, imagining myself dwelling in a dark hole does help get me through the days.
These are extreme and perhaps slightly alarming responses to the world around me, but this is where I’m at.
Losing someone you love is difficult at the best of times, but having it happen during the most unhinged era of my life has added an unanticipated layer for me to navigate. To say that I am unstable and maybe a tad disturbed is not a stretch. Sometimes I am blissfully walking down the street sniffing the flowers and whatnot and, then suddenly, I am apologizing and ugly-crying because I stepped on an ant. All I feel and see around me is pain, and I can’t make any sense or get out from underneath it.
The things that I would have normally turned to in the aftermath of losing my dad have not been available to me. I couldn’t embrace and bawl my eyes out with my loved ones or begin to heal while sipping goblets of wine on the cobbled streets of Europe. Instead, I went back to work where I’ve been pushed to the brink, shoved all my feelings down and tried not to get sick from the plague while attempting to act like everything was fine.
EVERYTHING IS NOT FINE.
I look towards the horizon for glimpses of beauty on the regular but find myself also scanning it for asteroids. Because why not? Although, before the asteroid hits, I am pretty sure only survivors of the Zombie Apocalypse will remain, so I can probably relax a bit for now and just enjoy the view. These are no longer absurd or irrational ideas to me. I mean, have you looked around? I’ve researched the best ways to kill a zombie and concluded that my best defence is to run. Like, really fucking fast. For the asteroid, well, that’s easy. I’m walking straight towards the wave and will marvel at the magnitude of a moment that can’t be outrun, with wine, of course.
It’s as though the scent of doom has permeated the air, and all I smell is death.
But this can’t be it; this can’t be what I surrender to, the thoughts to which I subscribe. I still have a life to live, and, dammit, I don’t want to end up in a bunker counting my cans of green beans while everyone else is not doing that.
It’s difficult, though, when chaos, cruelty, and conspiracies seem to be driving the direction of our lives. The extent of suffering and loss we are witnessing is a weight we are not equipped to carry. It’s too much. I’ve never felt so tired, hopeless, and scared. If I’m honest, I am terrified—all the time. But I have to believe that Good will prevail. It has to.
Lately, I’ve read beautiful posts and essays, and it has shown me that words are necessary, that rational voices are needed now more than ever. So instead of constantly thinking, what is the point of literally anything, I’m allowing myself to dream again. To write. To envision myself sitting at an airport bar, waiting for my plane to board. I weep at the thought of that, one I don’t often allow myself. It has hurt too much to hope.
Last week I read something Denzel Washington said that deeply impacted me, and I haven’t stopped thinking about it since.
“Imagine you’re on your deathbed—and standing around your bed are the ghosts representing your unfilled potential. The ghosts of the ideas you never acted on. The ghosts of the talents you didn’t use, and they’re standing around your bed.”
Well, shit. Ghosts with grievances would surround my deathbed if it were all to end for me right now. And I know that I would be seething with regret because I had chosen to quit. That scares me more than anything else, including the pain still to come for me in this life. Isn’t pain proof that you were alive, that you loved? Everything hurts right now, but my god, oh how I have loved.
Outside my window is an extraordinary view. Each day and night, the sheer magnificence of it moves me, touches my soul and provides comfort. I am so blessed. And I am grateful. It blows my mind how lucky I am that the moon is in my path, reminding me often that there is, in fact, light in the darkness.
The sky holds my dreams; it twinkles at night and whispers for me to reach even though it feels impossible or like there is nothing to reach for. It’s hard to accept, especially in the thick of it, but there is beauty in pain. I do know that.
So I vow never to stop looking up.
If an asteroid one day appears, I will grab the wine.
And I will hold on.
55 Comments
Writing to Freedom
Hi dear Tanya. I’m sorry that the loss of your father and general craziness of the world have pushed you to the limits. Know that you and your writing are adored. I’m glad you have found some dreams and gratitude. I hope you have or find a support system of live humans to hug, listen, acknowledge, and encourage you. We all need that, especially with so much crazy behavior and pain in the world. Big HNS! 🙏🧡
tanya
Your kindness and support are so appreciated, Brad – thank you. I am so glad that our paths have crossed in this blogging universe. It’s been a wild year and one I couldn’t have ever predicted or imagined. But I am working through it, like so many others, as best I can. It’s so important to remember that good and joy still exist. I hope your spirits are up and that you are doing well, my friend. Lots of HNS, my friend. 💕
Writing to Freedom
You’re most welcome Tanya. Yes, we’re all doing the best we can, and there is still beauty and joy to be found. 💕
desertcurmudgeon
Oh wow, Tanya. You sure have a way of awakening my dormant humanity. This was just beautiful, warts and all. I’m going to try to call you soon because the things I want to say are too vast for a comment. Thanks for writing the precise words I needed to read.
tanya
Awakening your dormant humanity. Wow. That means I did something right, Paul. I am so glad that my words moved you and made you feel something. Thank you, my friend. I am looking forward to chatting this week.
Miriam
Oh Tanya, your writing felt like a purging. I’m so sorry to hear that you’re hurting. But “ I’m allowing myself to dream again. To write. To envision myself sitting at an airport bar, waiting for my plane to board. “. Please don’t weep at the thought of that cos hope is all we have. You know how we’re currently on the road, well it’s something we dreamed about for years. We simply can’t live our life with regrets, it keeps us in shackles otherwise, always confirming to the system.
Denzil Washington’s quote is so true. We can’t go out with regrets. You have a life to live and you have a God given right to enjoy it. So go fill it with love, hope and dreams my friend. Your father would want you to do that. Give that fear the big finger and focus on what you want. We WILL get through this, time but it’s not by buying into the fear but rising above it and imagining a better world. Yep, keep looking up. Who knows what you’ll find, maybe an asteroid but maybe a shooting star and we can make a wish together for a brighter earth. I’ll do the same from across the ocean. And I’ll tip my glass to you Tanya in friendship and love because you deserve to be happy. Sending you lots of love always my friend. xxx.
tanya
Oh, Miriam. You are so beautiful. It makes me so happy to know that you guys are out there living your dream and best life—what a joy it has been to travel along with you on this adventure. You are right, regrets are a product of fear, and that is not how I want to live my life. It’s been difficult imagining myself sitting on a beautiful riverbank with the glow of a campfire on my face while sipping wine and having a wonderful conversation with you, but it will happen. I just have to believe and know that better days are ahead, and that a life of adventure awaits. I’m a little impatient at the moment, but it will be worth the wait. I will most certainly start searching the sky for a shooting star and will raise my glass to you, your friendship, and a brighter world when my eyes settle on one. Dreams do come true, don’t they? That’s something worth holding onto. Enjoy the sights the sounds and every magical moment. You my friend, deserve all the beauty in the world. Lots of love, Miriam. ❤️xoxo
Miriam
Yes, my friend, dreams DO come true so believe, trust and let go. Sometimes when we try too hard it actually seems more elusive. But I agree, it will happen and it will be worth the wait. Stay grounded in your visions Tanya, find those little joys that you so deserve and let’s both look out for those shooting stars. Love ya! ❤️ xx
tanya
You got a deal, Miriam. Love ya right back! xo
Anonymous
Beautiful in a raw, honest and no holds barred way. I love you Tan, I have large mannish shoulders don’t forget. Stay the course, because this too shall pass but don’t feel bad about kicking and screaming through it we’re all right there beside you ❤
tanya
This comment made me smile real big. Thank you. I promise I will stay the course. I know I am not alone, we are all in this mess together, and we will get through it together. There’s a lot of good stuff out there still. Love you, too. ❤️
D. Wallace Peach
I know that darkness, my friend, when the world stops making sense and the future seems impossible. To lose a loved one in this time of aloneness puts a manical spin on the mad circus show spinning us into extinction. It’s why I write dark stories that end in hope. I make my characters fight and suffer for redemption, but they always prevail.
My husband and I were wondering recently how many more autumns we have to enjoy the changing leaves, how many more Octobers. Ten? Twenty if we’re lucky? Maybe two? Or less. Suddenly life felt so short and precious. We vowed not to waste the days, months, and seaons we have left. We can’t plaster on the smiles and pretend the circus makes sense, and as empathetic people we’ll suffer with the suffering, but we’ll also lose ourselves in the moonlight, collect jingle shells for chimes, drink wine, and laugh. I know you’ll do the same, my friend. My heart is with you. Hugs.
josieandemily
Tanya, you sure know how to bring out all the emotions! I laughed out loud before I fished the first sentence🤣 While your post is technically very seriously, well serious, you have a way of putting a little sprinkle of humour into it that does cultivate feeling of hope and light. I appreciate you Tanya, and I am so glad you are writing again! Keep it up sista💕
tanya
Aww, I love you so much! Thank you for writing this to me, my beautiful friend! Making you laugh is one of my priorities so I am thrilled that I made you do that while talking about something serious at the same time. Thanks for the encouragement, as well. Feels good to be writing again, Josie. 😂🤣
tanya
Diana, I want to print this comment and read it again and again. It gave me goosebumps because it is so beautiful and full of life.
“We can’t plaster on the smiles and pretend the circus makes sense, and as empathetic people, we’ll suffer with the suffering, but we’ll also lose ourselves in the moonlight, collect jingle shells for chimes, drink wine, and laugh.”
I don’t know how you do it, always finding words that elicit hope, that take me to new places, and that make me believe. You are a talented writer but also a unique soul who understands the cost and reward of being alive. What a blessing you are. Your words and stories always comfort and fill me with magic – thank you for that. My wish is that you and your husband enjoy many more autumns. We don’t know what lies ahead for ourselves, so all we can do is savour the moments we are in and find joy in each and every one. I know you do that, and I promise to do the same. Thank you for always knowing what to say and for being you. Lots of love, my friend. ❤️
D. Wallace Peach
It’s one of the things I love about WordPress, Tanya, that there’s the ability to connect deeply with others and feel less alone. You’re writing always moves me, and since you don’t post often, I know there’s going to be something special awaiting me. Go ahead and be fully wondrously alive and present, my friend. Keep that heart of your open. <3 <3
tanya
Diana, thank you. You’ve left me speechless. Thank god for WordPress, that’s all I’ve got right now. You’re brilliant. ❤️
D. Wallace Peach
<3
Mark Lanesbury
Oh shoot, we just had a whale here seemingly lost and traipsing around our harbor recently…I didn’t think to ask who it was looking for 🤣
But, alas, your right. This crazy world is truly stepping up a gear and trying its hardest to derail our journey. It makes you wonder how such a madness can have any sense. But it does…each time we fall, we get back up. And that gives us confidence that we can do it, can go beyond whatever is there to trip us. And finally touch a place in our hearts where it will no longer matter. Because this very journey is taking us there, giving hope where there seemed to be none, faith where only faithless seemed to tread…but above all, as we understand the main confusion that is in our own hearts, it will show us a love beyond measure. But it cannot be seen unless we do the trip and stumble thing, it has to show us one side of the equation so that we can understand and appreciate the other…happiness, joy and unconditional love can only be seen and appreciated truly…after we have experienced their friends…anger, pain and sadness. Only then can that compassion and love be born in our hearts in feeling them all, so that we can give it to the person that matters most…us. And it is the most hardest step we can take, but it is because of that very journey that we will be set free and find that love and happiness we have ever searched for. It’s just waiting inside us, for us to finally stop looking ‘out there’ after being taken to the ends of our tether, and finally look inside. And believe me Tanya, when you see it, you will understand what it was all for. In the many I have seen step into and beyond it they all said the same thing…they would not change one tiny piece of all that they have been through…simply because it is all needed so that we will understand what we have finally found. Big hugs dear lady, I know it’s hard, but the beauty within it will make it all worth while, I promise ❤️ 🙏🏽 🦋
P.S. I’ve thrown an empty wine bottle into the harbor with a note, and a blessing…’wanted’, a ride to…well, nowhere in particular…just with a friend. Call Tanya’. That happened a few weeks back, he should be nearly there by now 😀 ❤️ 🙏🏽 🦋
Mark Lanesbury
Ooh, the link didn’t come up properly, there is a link on the word ‘harbor’ up top to the story of the whale that visited us 😀 ❤️ 🙏🏽 🦋
tanya
Awesome! I just checked out the video. What a treat for everyone who got to see her! 🐳😍
Mark Lanesbury
She/he stopped both towns in its tracks, bumper to bumper across the bridge, kids running up and down along the shore and even adults with tears in their eyes. At this time she moved us all , maybe that was what it was truly all about 😀 ❤️ 🙏🏽 🦋
tanya
That’s exactly what it was about. So beautiful.
tanya
Aww, this comment is beautiful, Mark, and I very much appreciate you writing it. So funny that you saw a whale! I needed that whale the other day! 🤣 One thing I know for sure is that I wouldn’t change a thing and that everything I have been through in my life has taken me to a better place. I listen, and I learn. From all of this, I will grow and become someone new. Life is an evolution; I never want to stay the same. Though this all has been difficult, I look forward to understanding all that it will have taught me. And I look forward to finding that empty wine bottle. Thank you again; your kindness and thoughtfulness are so very appreciated. You have a heart of gold, Mark. ❤️
Mark Lanesbury
I could just feel a heart in pain kind lady, a call in the wilderness. And having been and seen such incredible beauty on my journey I can’t but share what I found. Give a little hope, a heads up that there is something waiting for us all and that it isn’t a senseless trip and stumble through life. Yes, it is hard to see but that is what gives it its beauty, it is up to each of us to step through it and know it was just us that did this. That is what true love is, the courage to accept ourselves regardless of the scratches, bumps, bruises…and a touch or two of grey hair. It won’t matter at all, where we are going to. It takes quite a while to accept us, but if it didn’t then we wouldn’t appreciate what we had endured to find it. All those experiences build an understanding of what empathy, compassion and love truly is, and an ability to finally give it to us.
And I’m fairly sure the bottle won’t be too far away dear lady, it has your name on it. May you find your pathway and a smile or two along it 😀 ❤️ 🙏🏽 🦋
tanya
Thank you, Mark. ❤️
Anonymous
Your writing excites me – I love reading anything you write. This post is deep and raw and I’m sorry you’re feeling so much pain. Losing someone, especially such an important person, leaves a hole that can never be filled. You just learn to live with it… it’s depressing. Don’t give up hope and keep working your way through your grief, day by day. Also, thank you for sharing your experience – so many can relate to it. And thank you for your humour – even if it is awkward to laugh 😉
tanya
Wow. Thank you so much for this beautiful comment. It has encouraged and motivated me to keep writing. It sure means a lot. And thank you for laughing! I wanted people to laugh. It’s been difficult at times to find humour in anything these days, but laughter is necessary; otherwise, we lose ourselves in misery, and I don’t want that for myself or anyone else. Laughing is what has saved me. I will not give up hope, I promise. Despite the chaos, there are still so many good things to enjoy and joy to be had. Thank you again; this meant a lot to me. ☺️
Blogging_with_Bojana
Your words are powerful, moving and comforting despite all the shit you and we have to deal with on a daily basis. We’re definitely not equipped to carry all this load, so instead of drowning your sorrow in wine, let it out. You need to talk, to vent and if you feel at some point friends are not enough, promise to get some counseling, ok? I remember confiding to a total stranger a couple years ago when I was a total mess because I needed sb objective, sb who didn’t know a thing about me, sb who wouldn’t judge so, after I said anything can bring me to tears these days (I start vacuuming and break down), the first thing she told me was – oh hon, you’re depressed. Plz go see sb about it. These things cannot and are not solved on their own. The chemistry in your brain changes, you need meds besides talk.
So, please think about it and take care of yourself.
tanya
You know what, B, I am totally depressed. I know that for sure. I keep trying to pull myself out of it, but I just can’t get over the hump. I’m trying, though! I’m able to make jokes and laugh again, which is something, but it takes more than that to find your way through grief and depression, especially in the middle of a global shit-show. My god! Last week I told my good friend that I think I need a therapist, and I have been looking for one ever since. My past experiences have made me hesitant. It’s as though I was being punked the last few times I have gone to see one or like I was on some sort of weird hidden camera TV show. Wow. Like what the fuck. Anyway, there are good ones; I just need to find the one right for me. Thanks for the nudge. The same goes for you. Please don’t hold it all in; you take care of yourself right now, too. It’s a lot. Thanks again, B, I appreciate you more than you know. Big hug and oodles of love. xoxo
Blogging_with_Bojana
I’m glad you’re open about it. If the New World has achieved anything besides technology, its’ that we’re not and should not be ashamed of admitting we’re not ok, which was unimaginable at the time of our parents and grandparents, and I’m sure they had to deal with a load of shit as well.
Being an unmarried mother, being divorced, single or depressed no longer carry the social stigma that they used to. Thank god.
What’s more, the pandemic dramatically impacted psychology practice, so for starters why don’t you look for online treatment? They say it works. I’m sure there are forums and alike where you can get informed and see how good or bad therapists are. Patients don’t lie.
And back at ya, hon. The feeling is mutual.
tanya
Amen to all of that, B. There’s no shame in admitting you’re not okay and need help. I am so glad the world has evolved enough to normalize talking about it. When I was a kid, I wouldn’t have dared mention the word anxiety. Well, this morning, I popped two CBD pills to help control it and am happy to tell the world all about it! Times certainly have changed.
I will set up a virtual appointment next week; hopefully, they are not like my last two therapists. Yikes. I won’t know unless I try.
Thanks for your support; it sure means a lot. xo
Blogging_with_Bojana
Absolutely. And you can always say no. If you feel it’s not the right thing, move on until you find a good one. My sister speaks the world of her therapist, says she wouldn’t have made it without her help, so they are definitely out there, you just need to find them. Personally, when I need a good doctor, I always ask my other doctor who is a university professor and has tons of connections and I know when he recommends sb, they would be close to perfect. That’s how sis found hers. She asked. So if you know a good specialist, make sure you ask them first.
Hugs back.
tanya
I’m on it! Thank you, B. x
floweringink
Oh Tanya, I Love you, my friend. As ever, you express pain with a truth that goes to my bones, with humour and with an ever present light that you manage to find even in the darkest of times. I am with B about not doing it alone; you are going through one of the most painful things that gets thrown at a person, and in a time, as you say, the world is in the middle of a shit show. I feel your pain and your heart and your unstoppable spirit. Thank you for sharing so openly, in the beautiful way only you can.
tanya
Aww, Susan. You know, when I read your comment earlier, I immediately thought about the hotel lounge I was sitting in, in NYC the night you came into my world. And I thought, how amazing is it that in this world of billions, our paths somehow crossed. I’m just so grateful for that moment and what it has brought to my life. Thank you for all the support and love you have shown me these last few years. It truly blesses me and means the absolute world. This past year has been a nightmare, and though it seems I have completely sunk to the bottom, I haven’t. I am so very sad; there is no denying that, but I want to be better and free of the pain of this horrible chapter. It must be channelled into purpose and something better. I know that it will be. We have all been through so much, and now more than ever, we need to believe in the impossible and continue reaching for our dreams. I hope you do exactly that. Keep writing, please. I love you, Susan. Thank you for being you. xo
floweringink
You have taught me so much about hope, about light and honesty and courage. I am grateful for you, and for that hotel lounge. I am sending you all the love. xo
Arionis
Hey Tanya! I know you’ve probably heard this before and are sick of it, but you hold on. Keep a view on that pin prick of light you see in the darkness. One day you will approach it and it will seem so much bigger than you thought it was. Here’s to having as few ghosts as possible!
tanya
Hi Ari! I will never get sick of hearing that, thank you, my friend. I intend to stay focused on the light. If I do, it’s only a matter of time until I am once again surrounded by it. 🍻 to both of us not having too many ghosts! Hope you are taking good care and enjoying yourself. Lots of love, Ari.
candidkay
Be gentle with yourself, sweet soul. Reeaaalllly gentle. You deserve that now. And more unasked for advice (but only b/c I’ve been there!)–carefully police what you allow in. I am in the world but not necessarily of it. And I don’t mean that in an insane way. What you read, watch, listen to, hang out with, etc.–all of it soaks in. So make it good and light-filled and keep the positive energy going. And let yourself grieve. The world isn’t always very good at allowing us that time! Hugs to you . . .
tanya
Thank you so much for this, Kristine. Your advice is welcome anytime because your perspective is one I very much value and admire. And you couldn’t be more right, thank you for saying it. This morning I sat outside in the cold with a cup of coffee and watched a hill swallow the moon, and it was breathtakingly beautiful. I’m also with my dad’s family this week, and it’s been glorious – we needed each other. There have been lots of tears and laughter and conversations I will forever hold onto. I’m so incredibly blessed. I promise to be gentle and take all this positive every forward. Life is messy and painful but so worth it. Big hug to you and lots of love. x
candidkay
So glad you’re with family! And moon watching:).
Anonymous
Your words perfectly describe the craziness that growls at the edge of my world…my heart goes out to you as you grieve during this time of loss (losing your Dad). Three years ago I lost my Dad in October and I think of him everyday, lately I wonder what his thoughts would be regarding the pandemic and the way it has unfolded and changed our world. I know he would encourage me to drink glasses of red wine, buy that book, and dream of airports near and far…
Your moonlit photo is absolutely beautiful and I hope its magic continues to keep you safe, dreaming, and showing up in this crazy world!
tanya
Aww, your words…wow…thank you. They are beautiful and appreciated so very much. I am so sorry you also lost your dad; it’s a loss nothing can prepare you for. I thought I was prepared but found out it simply wasn’t possible. Barely a moment goes by without me thinking of him. My dad shook his head constantly at the world around us, thought people had lost their damn minds, so I wonder if your dad would have done the same. It’s easy to let yourself get swallowed in the darkness and suffering, but we have to keep finding joy and beauty wherever possible. We just have to. So I will do what your dad would have encouraged you to do, drink the wine, buy the book, and dream. I can’t think of anything better than those things. I hope you also do the same and find something to comfort and keep you safe. I highly recommend the moon; it’s is truly magical. Thank you for this from the bottom of my heart. xoxo
utahan15
life is cost
and loss
for some
it will bum out
shout
and will
refill
the time
is sand
to your see
a small victory
tanya
I love this. Thank you so much!
utahan15
yw. keep up the good work. sorry for your losses of course.
Annika Perry
Tanya, the power of your emotions in turmoil is extraordinary – I feel the force of your sadness, despair, my heart goes out to you. Yet, within your innate wisdom you recognise that ‘Everything hurts right now, but my god, oh how I have loved. ‘ That is such a hard lesson to learn at life and with everything thrown at you right now no wonder you’re struggling. I wish I was there to share some wine with you, just chat and heck, yes, at an airport! I miss the travels so much! Never stop looking up, seeing the beauty out there – write like crazy, just write anything and and everything. Take care, my friend … thinking of you and hope life becomes brighter and more postive for you soon. hugs xx ❤️
tanya
Aww, Annika, you are so lovely and kind. Thank you for saying this. I take it to heart and hold your words close; coming from you, they mean the world. These past couple of years have been so challenging, and they have made me question the point of anything, but what I know is that there is so much beauty all around me – I simply need to open my eyes and look. I don’t want to live in a state of hopelessness; I want to continue believing that anything is possible, that everything will get better, and that one day I will find myself at that airport bar filled with only feelings of gratitude and joy. That day is coming, I know it. I have been doing what you say, looking up and marvelling at the gift it is to be alive. Mine truly is a beautiful life. THAT I know with certainty. Wouldn’t it be amazing if we could share some wine and chat our heads off? I know it would be a lasting and memorable experience for us both. Thank you again, Annika. You are incredible, and it is a blessing to be a part of your world. Take good care. Lots of love and hugs to you, my friend. xoxo
Dalo 2013
Beautifully written and how this does sum up one of the best lines I’ve read in a while: “If I’m not laughing, I’m probably crying…” Loss is so tough to work through, but while I read this I find such a great spirit, with wicked humor and dreams – and it shows in your writing. Sometimes I wonder how much the past fews years has changed my perspective on all I see outside my world (chaos and extremes on all sides), and there is not just solace in words written and read – seeds are planted and I love it when they grow into smiles and dreams. Well done 🙂
tanya
What an unexpected and wonderful comment; thank you so much! The last couple of years have been rife with unfathomable chaos and loss, and it sometimes feels like the whole world has gone mad. No doubt each of us is changed somehow and will emerge from this with new perspectives and beliefs. My way of coping is to laugh; otherwise, I would spend most of my time in the fetal position crying on the floor. That’s where I have found myself from time to time but certainly not where I want to stay. I want to live and have new experiences despite the pain. Thank you again; I appreciate your words so very much! 😊
waywardsparkles
Tanya,
Since you wrote this, I hope the intensity has subsided. You write such beautiful truth…even in immense pain. A big, light-filled hug to you, my friend! I hope that in time, you reach out again either on your blog or to someone like a counselor who you can talk with and receive unconditional love and regard as you grieve! For you are grieving. Faith is KNOWING even when everything points to the contrary. You are right, Good will prevail! Keep the faith! XOXO, Mona
tanya
Hi Mona. Thank you for the hug; I’m sending one right back to you! My stepmom passed away a couple of months ago, as well, but, thankfully, the universe blessed me with a therapist I swear came from the stars. She is an Angel. With her help, I am working my way through the past 18 months and making sense of all this loss. Grief is a weird beast, it comes out of nowhere and knocks you down, and I’ve learned that you can’t get through it on your own. I hope to write something again soon; I miss pulling words out of my head and organizing them into something others can read. As weird as they may be sometimes. Ha! I hope you are doing well! It was good hearing from you. Take care of yourself, my friend. Talk soon! ❤️
waywardsparkles
Tanya, I’m so sorry to hear about your stepmom. What a difficult time you’re going through! I’m glad to hear, though, that you’ve found someone to be there for you as you go through this! And you’re right about grief being a weird beast! Hang in there, lady! And bless both you and your therapist! May peace and joy find you and heal your heart, my friend! Mona
tanya
You are lovely – thank you, Mona. Lots of love and hugs to you xoxoxo