perfectly out of place
On the first day of film school, one of my teachers took our class out for dinner, a get-to-know-each-other bonding event meant to unite us in our pursuit of the arts. He tossed out the question, ‘What is your favourite movie of all time?” Immediately, mine came to mind, but as the answers flew around the table, it was clear that film school was not the right choice for me and that I did not belong. (That sentiment was confirmed the day the Director of Photography of the movie I was working on casually asked if I was into Voyeurism. I was like, yeah, being a peeping tom is my true passion, you weirdo. WHAT?) The consensus was Citizen Kane, and all I could think was as if. Why would a bunch of 20-year-olds choose that movie? It’s a masterpiece, I guess – all the lists and critics say so – but is it the movie they will throw on again and again because they love it so much? Dude, Where’s My Car would have been a more believable answer. When my turn came, all eyes were on me, anticipating my acclaimed title choice, but my teacher’s soul hit the floor, and the table erupted into laughter when I said St. Elmo’s Fire.
Whatever.
It’s not the not-so-subtle misogyny or lack of diversity that captures my heart (I’m not a monster!); it’s the authenticity of the human experience and the feeling I am left with when the credits start to roll. The idea that you will be friends forever is held with such pure intentions it’s difficult to imagine a scenario that doesn’t feature all of you together, laughing, enjoying one another, just as you were in that shining moment. But that’s not how life works and what is so aching and beautiful about St. Elmo’s Fire. The inevitability of change, finding yourself, letting go, and moving forward, often without those you swore would be with you until the end. When Billy gets on the bus, it’s not just a see ya later; it’s goodbye. His only option, though, is to leave. To begin again. And so goes life.
Nostalgia overcomes me when I think about old friends and the moments we shared. All I can do is catch my breath, marvel at what once was, and hope that our memories collide somewhere in the space between us. Whenever I think about Christmas Eve 1998, I light up. Under the canopy of a carport, seated in lawn chairs, warmed by a steady flow of drinks and profound appreciation for one another, my friend Tash and I talked into the wee hours of the night. Love, life, dreams, and the wishful things we longed for captured our imaginations. We were dazzled by the idea that anything was possible. We were forever friends. Wherever she is, I hope that life has been kind. And that the path she walks is one made of dreams.
Before Billy decided to leave on the bus that night, he struggled to find his place; somewhere he belonged. Even attempting to go back in time. No matter how hard you try, there’s no option but to face the other direction and surrender to its grasp. It’s impossible to go backwards, to fit into what no longer exists. You’re just not meant to.
Each of us has our own version of this story. We’ve all felt the pain of discovering our place absent a cast of characters that helped lead us there. The ache is, at times, unbearable. The beauty, though, is that you can summon the magic of any moment and remember it with fondness and appreciation. Once upon a time can sometimes reignite the soul and remind you of what is possible.
As I step into the new year, it’s with clarity and perspective I haven’t known in years. It’s not without the help of a paid professional, though, that my anguish has shifted into hope. I’d stopped believing or finding the point of literally anything. Grief does that to you. Makes you do weird things, too, like cut off all your hair with tiny scissors in your bathtub and force your friends to say something like, you look GREAT, through forced smiles and concerned looks when all they really want to do is call for help because the bald patches on your head are screaming that things are totally not okay. It also makes you forget what it means to be alive. Time becomes a mystery; chunks of it simply disappear. Thankfully though, my therapist saved my life. I’m not yet convinced she’s even real. Sometimes the universe forgets about the dumb shit you’ve done and throws you an invaluable bone, perhaps out of pity or just maybe, because you actually deserved it. Whatever the reason, I grabbed that bone and have yet to let go.
Like Billy, I’ve long searched for a place I fit, somewhere I belong. Yearning to be anywhere but here, though I don’t always know where anywhere even is, controls my thoughts. It’s left me unsettled, often incapable of absorbing a moment and instead strategizing my exit. Don’t worry; I’m not jumping out bathroom windows or scaling balconies in the middle of dinner parties; it’s more complicated and weirder than that. But it is a truth about myself that will endure; it’s just who I am.
After waking from any nightmare, gratitude overwhelms me. Oh, thank God I am here, is always my initial thought. And that is how it is for me these days. I’ve awakened from a long troubled slumber, and my eyes and heart are once again wide open. I’m feeling so damn lucky to be here.
Every decision, person, experience and right or wrong turn has led me to this place. To some I loved, I had to let go, and them to me. And for all of it, I am so thankful. It led me to those who now have a recurring role in this movie of life with me. Surrounding me is a collective of people, near and far, who help me continually learn and grow, and make me laugh when all I want to do is surrender to the tears. Cotton balls will never cease to be funny to me, and that is just one of the many gifts I have received these past two years. I’ve been held up by many people; an alternate universe could have grabbed hold had it not been for them.
We are a motley crew, and I am my best self amongst all of you. Though I may never feel settled and will always look for a way to escape, it’s here with you that I’ve found my home.
And where I am perfectly out of place.
54 Comments
Bec
Sooo beautiful ❤️ Friends really are the best ❤️
tanya
They most certainly are, Becs. ❤️❤️❤️
Mark Lanesbury
Well written dear lady, that is called standing in your truth. And in fact the one thing we search for all our lives, that love and happiness somewhere, are in those words you just spoke. Being honest with yourself is the first and hardest, but the most beautiful is in that realization that this world isn’t really a crazy, mixed up, blob of time travelers with no maps…but each and every one of us is being touched by those beautiful friends, family and others…and a love from them all for the purpose of seeing it in ourselves…and finding that love and happiness within us and not ‘out there’. Even those hard bits they put us through teach us much, a guide to that inner love of where we experience those things to turn to or away in our choices. It is in there I found it, and its meaning at the end of that crazy road. And on the day that you do there was one very, very profound understanding within it. Each and every step that we take, each moment we face, all those experiences are indeed building that love, asking us to face ourselves and fine tune our experiences so that we will reach a point where we say ‘no’ to others and just do us. Not selfishly but with the realization we only ever give out what we are, and giving out an emotionally starved, over stressed version is a poor substitute, that person is only built on our doubts. Build you, and then watch everything change in that love you find within because of it, and as you are now most certainly doing. Take a bow kind lady, you have achieved greatly for this moment 😀❤️🙏🏽
tanya
What a gorgeous comment, Mark – thank you. I’ve learned so much over the years from many people, and I’m grateful. Life is much more beautiful when you’re open to change. We are all so different and have so much to offer one another; we serve ourselves by listening and taking in new ideas and the perspective of others. How cool is that? It’s like a buffet we can feed from each day. Thanks again, Mark – I appreciate your words very much. ❤️
Sandie
Clearly you should have taught the film class! I marvel at your abilities. I will never watch St. Elmo’s Fire in the same way. So grateful you found the person who helped you to explore yourself. You are an incredible individual that I am grateful to have met you briefly 22 yrs ago as I can still call you friend. May you find peace light and kindness as you travel this world.
tanya
Thank god for your arctic adventure all those years ago, Sandie! I adore and love you and am so blessed to call you friend! You make me laugh and bring so much joy to my life. My wish for you is only the best things life has to offer. ❤️
If you ever watch St. Elmo’s Fire again, you’ll have to send me texts throughout!
anotetohuguette
It’s lovely to read your beautiful and profound words once again and celebrate your truth (and hard won growth), welcome back, my friend!
tanya
Thank you, thank you, Kim! It feels good to have dug myself out from under the covers and feel alive again. There’s some cool stuff and people out here! I hope you are doing well and are enjoying all the beautiful things. ❤️
anotetohuguette
We are doing well – practicing the art of pivot and adapt re: increasing food prices and trying to keep kindness and light flowing out into the world and yes, enjoy all the beautiful things!
Writing to Freedom
Like others, I’m delighted to read your words and see you back on WP Tanya. You have a gift for words with depth. Thank you for sharing your heart, your pain, and your hope as you find your way back into life. I too have often felt out of place in this world, but somehow like you, find a way forward with friends, nature, and looking for the good. Big HNS! 💕
tanya
Aww, thank you so much, Brad – that means the world to me. It’s a strange feeling to love people and be loved in return and still feel like you are on the wrong planet. But like you, I keep looking for a way forward and the good things that make this wild ride worth it. There is infinite beauty all around, and you always find and share it in your perfect Brad way – thank you for that. Big HNS right back! ❤️
Miriam
Hi Tanya, Welcome back my friend. It’s so good to hear from you again and to know that you’re surviving this wild ride called life. Gratitude really is key, through it all we grow with the lessons and the experiences. Love what you said about lost friendships, and memories, “the beauty, though, is that you can summon the magic of any moment and remember it with fondness and appreciation.” So true. I’ve lost a few friends I thought were forever friends these past two years but I’m learning to accept that everyone’s journey is their own. Everything happens for a reason, and every person comes into our life for a reason. I’m so glad to hear your heart and mind is wide open. A beautiful honest post from the heart as is your style. Keep starring in your own life movie my friend. One day we’ll share that drink under the stars. Big hugs and love from me down-under. xx ❤️
tanya
Hi Miriam! Thank you so much; it feels good to be back, and your words mean the world to me. Hopefully, I can keep it rolling. I’m sorry you’ve lost a couple of friends these past two years; it’s always so painful when it happens. But like you say, people come into our lives and hopefully teach us or make it better while they are in it- they aren’t always meant to stay. The only guarantee in this life is that nothing ever stays the same. Onward we move, hopefully, wiser than we were before. I’m still looking forward to that drink under the stars, Miriam. Without spiders, I hope! It’s good to talk to you, and I hope your year is going well! Sending lots of love, my friend. ❤️
Miriam
Hey lovely, yes the year has started well and I’m actually writing this by a river, just had a swim and we’re camped here for a few days. You’d love it. Red wine and a Thai curry on the menu tonight, you can join us virtually. And no spiders! Cheers my friend and hugs. Stay happy. 🍷
tanya
That sounds like heaven, and I absolutely would love it! Enjoy every second! Cheers to you, Miriam. 🍷 I love, ‘stay happy!’ You do the same, my friend! ❤️
Miriam
Absolutely! ❤️😊
D. Wallace Peach
A beautiful heartfelt post, Tanya, that leaves me grateful and reflective. And the comments of those who’ve read ahead of me are sublime and full of genuine love and faith in you. We are so complex and yet so simple at the same time, all seeking to find our place, our meaning, our tribe of love and friendship. You mentioned letting go, and I always always marvel at how letting go frees space to find what we need. It’s as if the universe is waiting for the cracks in our veneer to split open so it can rush in and fill the newly created void with something wondrous and fresh – growth and a refined sense of ourselves. I think often of the stepping stones of a life’s path. It’s twisted and hard and confusing. It’s joyous, surprising, and exciting. But there’s no map. Each step – the beautiful and hideous, the bright and dark, the successful and the dismal – led us all to this very moment. We are here, alive for a blink of time’s eye, and making meaning of this amazing muddle of hearts and minds. I think your movie choice was perfect. My two cents: Your film class was missing a vital point about true art – that it’s meaning must be personal to the beholder. Without that connection, it’s merely a novelty. I wish you a beautiful new year in your journey, my friend, one of joy, friendship, love, and peace in your world, inside and out. Hugs <3 <3 <3
tanya
These words left me breathless and even made me cry…in a good way, of course. There aren’t any I can offer in response that could possibly match the beauty of yours, so I will simply hold onto them and say that I am blessed to have read them. You are an extraordinary human, Diana, and I am grateful for all I have learned from you over the years. You make the world brighter just by being in it, and your stories take us to worlds we could never have imagined. What lucky ducks we are! Thank you for that and for being you. I appreciate you more than you know. ❤️
D. Wallace Peach
I’m so happy to have connected with your beautiful mind, heart, and soul.
tanya
❤️
Caron
A huge smile broke out on my face when I saw there was a new blog post from you. While I don’t like knowing you have had a year full of grief, and I understand what that can do to you, hearing your voice in your words is somehow so comforting. And imagine my utter joy to see that photo of your gorgeous face and my beloved bad boy, Henry.
tanya
CARON 🤗❤️ Thank you, this comment means the whole world to me. I’ve been thinking about you so much lately! I hope you are doing well and life is treating you well. Though I knew it was coming, my dad and Kay dying 15 months apart really messed me up. BUT, I’m doing better now and have thrown out my tiny scissors 😂 On Saturday, I drove past your old street where I used to walk Sir Henry and it made my heart melt. He might be the love of my life, Caron. I love that little dude so much and carry him with me everywhere. He’s even one of my passwords 🤷🏻♀️ I sure miss you and am still reeling about not seeing you in May. What horrible timing that was. I adore and love you so much and can’t wait to hug the beans out of you! Happy New Year, my beautiful friend. xo❤️
roughwighting
So wonderful to find you and your blog (thanks to Brad’s blog). Feeling lonely and out of place is part of the human condition (at least in my experience). Friendship molds us and melts us into a human spirit of hope and love. Without friendship, my life would have been a mess. Friends – they to me and me to them – ‘save’ us from loneliness and pain. Friendship is soul-sharing and life-affirming. xo
tanya
Aww, thank you so much, Pam, and welcome! I couldn’t agree more with your assessment of friends – what a gift they are. Mine have saved me from the trenches and changed the trajectory of my life. I shudder sometimes thinking of where I might be today without them, even the ones who are no longer a part of my life. I’m just so thankful for them all. Happy New Year to you; I hope this year is filled with love and magic and happiness. 💕
Arionis
Very touching, Tanya! This actually hits home for me. As you know, I nearly didn’t make it to see the New Year and now I have a new lease on life. It made me start thinking about old friends and where they are now. I’ve been trying to reconnect with them with some success. Here’s to the old ones that helped us “then” and to the new ones that are helping us now.
Even though we have never met IRL, we have shared some moments through our blogs. I hope you consider me a friend, because I certainly do you. BTW, if things go according to plan, we will be out in BC the latter part of this year. I’d love to meet up with you if you can take my social awkwardness.
tanya
Lee, I absolutely consider you a friend. Meeting you here has been a blessing, and I’m very, very thankful. I’m so relieved you got the treatment you needed and that you are on the path to recovery! We need you here!! And now how awesome is it that you have reconnected with some old friends? Sometimes you go in opposite directions, but that doesn’t mean you stop loving or caring about one another. I reconnected with an old friend I hadn’t talked to in 15 years, it has brought us so much joy. I’m happy for you, my friend. If you are out this direction, please contact me – I would love to meet up with you guys! I’ll send you my email address 🙂 ❤️
Annika Perry
Tanya, it is wonderful to see you back here on WordPress and it has been such a long time. My heart aches for all the trauma you have gone through, the pain, despair and bless your therapist and your friends for being there for you. In one post you seem to encompass the well of life in all its facets – and I am glad you are finding hope. Dear friend, the wisdom gleamed over the years will be your enduring support, your self-awareness is second to none!
As always you write with eloquence, beauty and clarity – as do so many of your friends in the comments here.
As for Citizen Kane – a film I seriously tried to like but failed and I do now feel I have missed something by never having seen St. Elmos Fire! One to try and watch. Wishing you well, health, happiness and harmony! xx ❤️
tanya
Annika, what a beautiful thing to say to me. Thank you. I’ve learned so much about life and myself over the years, and for that, I am grateful. It’s been a difficult time, but I’m finally through the worst of it, which feels like a breath of fresh air. I’m so sorry you, too, have had to work through a challenging and sad time. It hurts knowing you’ve had to feel pain, but it makes me happy to see that you are writing and finding a way forward. Life is never dull, so I guess all we can do is take nuggets of wisdom from every experience, good or bad, and use them to guide us and make decisions that take us down the best path possible. That’s what I am doing, and I know you are, as well. Thank you again, your words always mean so much to me, and I treasure them. Lots of love to you, my beautiful friend. ❤️
I didn’t mention it in my post, but Citizen Kane was a total snooze-fest and I didn’t get the hype about it at all! 🤷🏻♀️
A Kinder Way
Oh Tanya, This just speaks to my spirit.
I felt all the feels!
This: ”Each of us has our own version of this story. We’ve all felt the pain of discovering our place absent a cast of characters that helped lead us there. The ache is, at times, unbearable. The beauty, though, is that you can summon the magic of any moment and remember it with fondness and appreciation. Once upon a time can sometimes reignite the soul and remind you of what is possible.”
ok, where to start? St. Elmo’s Fire. I applaud your taste in movies. A classic and for those that laughed at your choice….I feel sorry for them having never experienced it or having missed the point.
The friendships I’ve been blessed with have changed and molded my life. I have summoned those memories on repeat time and and time again throughout my life and there were times when it saved me from feeling utterly alone or as if no one could understand me, because they did, or at least they tried to and wanted to.
I am so happy to be here in this moment reading your words and honestly, super pumped that you are here writing again because your words are some of my most favorite to read. <3
tanya
Thank you, Nichol!! You really know how to make someone feel good about themselves … truly. It feels good to be writing again, and I hope to continue. It’s as though I haven’t been whole for a long while, and words are helping sew me back together. It makes my heart ridiculously happy that you are here and a part of that.
There is something about St. Elmo’s Fire that rips my heart to pieces. It’s such a perfect example of the ebb and flow of life. Nothing ever stays the same. People come in and out of your life, each leaving a little nugget of wisdom and memories to hold onto.
Man, it’s tough being human. Our hearts get crushed again and again, but yet, we find ways to move forward and find joy and more friends and more love. What a wild experiment it all is! I’m glad you relate and find comfort in the memories, like me.
Thank you for stopping by, Nichol, and offering your beautiful words. It means the world to me. xoxo ❤️
Max Ethan
A beautiful heartfelt post, Tanya, that leaves me grateful and reflective. And the comments of those who’ve read ahead of me are sublime and full of genuine love and faith in you. We are so complex and yet so simple at the same time, all seeking to find our place, our meaning, our tribe of love and friendship. Wishing you well, health, happiness and harmony! xx
tanya
Aww, thank you so much for saying that, Max. I could not agree more, and I think you summed it up perfectly. We are so complex and yet so simple at the same. I love how you said all of that. Lately, I’m feeling particularly nostalgic about those who have come and gone and grateful for those here with me now. What a magical and fun life it has been and continues to be. Thank you for your good wishes; I wish all the same for you and hope you find yourself right where you belong in the year ahead. xo
candidkay
Oh, it’s so good to have you back here! Yours is one of the blogs I check–and check–and check–and when no posts, I wonder what the heck you’re up to. It sounds like some very tough–but worthy–stuff. I’m so glad. The only way through it is through it and you know I know that of which I speak. Keep going. Happy you are on this earth, and figuring it out. Hugs. Hugs. Hugs.
tanya
Aww, Kristine. What a lovely comment to read – thank you so much. It truly means the world to me. It’s been a painful couple of years and a struggle to find my way back to the surface, but I didn’t give up, and I can finally see the sun again. I’ve learned so many things and am now moving forward with a renewed sense of purpose and a smile on my face. I’ve made some life-altering decisions, and awaiting me is an adventure of a lifetime. Stay tuned. Thank you for being here and for your support and encouragement. You always know what to say. Your words make me feel better and fill me with hope. Thank you for that. Sending oodles of love and hugs to you. ❤️
candidkay
Much, much love❤️
floweringink
I fucking Adore the hell out of you, Lady. I am inexcusably late to the party, but I suppose that is just how I role; it doesn’t mean I don’t love you and think of you and feel over the moon with delight to read these words of yours, to hear that you have come so bravely to your next part of this journey of life. I am proud of you and in awe of you. Thank you for doing what you do, for sharing, for leading with love and heart and courage, and for teaching me that hope can be a good thing.
tanya
SUSAN!! It was so nice seeing your name pop up on my phone; I’ve been thinking about you and wondering how you are doing, and here you are!! Thank you for your words; they always fill my heart and encourage me to keep going. It means the world to me that the things I write connect with you the way they do. I feel the same about the things you write. Usually, I’m wondering how on earth you thought of something so damn brilliant and moving because, holy hell, you are talented!
I’m trying to get through the horror of the past two years, and though some days suck more than others, I’m feeling much lighter and happier—finally, some progress. 🙏We have to hold on to hope, my darling friend. We just have to. Without it, there is nothing but pain, the sting of lost dreams and possibilities and the lasting stench of regret. Bleh. No thanks. I’m digging in cause there’s so much more I want to do and feel before I’m tits up and dead as a doornail. I hope you are digging in, too, and imagining what is possible. I fucking adore and love you and am looking forward to having a drink with you in the months ahead! 🤗❤️
waywardsparkles
Tanya,
I was re-watching the episode of The Big Bang Theory yesterday. I accidentally found myself on whatever channel it was on. It was the one where Sheldon is about to marry Amy and they begin coming up with some theory about how sometimes imperfection is exactly what is needed to make something perfect. You have just reminded me, again, of how important that is in life. I’m always amazed by what you write and am grateful for your words, your expressions of truth! I know you’ve been going through such a difficult time and my heart goes out to you. I’m glad you have that imperfectly perfect community of friends and loved ones. I’m thankful you’re able to safely figure stuff out. We all try, but some (you) do it so much more eloquently! Anyway, I’m finally able to see again and read again and I wanted to check in and say hello! I hope you get the opportunity to post again, soon! Mona
tanya
Mona! I’m so happy to hear that your vision has been restored, and you are writing and reading again! Thank you so much for this; I love that my words were a reminder for you. And how cool that Sheldon and Amy came to that conclusion. I love that show! Life is so hard and has been especially so for me these past 3 years, but I’m feeling hopeful once again, and my only goal is to bask in the company of those who love me and the things that set my soul on fire. Thank you for your support and encouragement. I’m so grateful we crossed paths in this big ol’ blogging world! I can’t wait to read what you write next! xo
Phil Taylor
This whole post is beautiful writing and I didn’t even blink when you said St. Elmo’s Fire.
tanya
Aww, thank you, Phil! 🤗
candidkay
Hey–where’d you go? We miss you!
tanya
Kristine!!! You are the sweetest – thank you! I’m working on something and should have it posted soon. It’s a miracle 😂 I hope you are doing well. Big hugs. xo
candidkay
Phew! Good to hear all is still well. I miss your sweet face and voice out here in the ether.
tanya
😘 it was good to read your words today 🙂
tanya
Hi Kristine! I hope you are enjoying your weekend. Your last post was incredible and I left a comment for you. It didn’t show up so I left another one. However, I think my comments are being tossed in your trash or spam folder. (I was nice I swear!!) Can you check if they are there? If not, I’ll have to figure out what is happening on this end!
candidkay
That’s really weird! I am not seeing any comments from you. Not even to approve.
tanya
That’s so bizarre! Well, please know that I love your words and your last post touched me deeply. Hope you are doing well! ❤️
candidkay
Thank you! Please do try again and make sure that you’re logged into your WordPress account. I think that makes a difference. Sometimes it makes you re-authenticate. I think your comments always add to the group conversation and I do miss seeing you here, in the ether!
Anonymous
Are you there? Did u change your number??! I miss you so, xoxo
Yeah, Another Blogger
Terrific essay. It captures the uncertainties of life. We try to find people we’re comfortable with. And with perseverance, and with luck, that can happen.
tanya
Thank you, Neil. Life is an evolving adventure, and I’m so lucky I’ve found people to help me navigate it – good and bad. I’m so ridiculously grateful.
Blogging_with_Bojana
I hear you, hon.
I don’t know if I’ll ever belong either. I’d struggled long myself, eventually settling for I’m ok with where I am. Is it perfect? No. Can it be? What is perfect to start with? I don’t think about it all these days. One day I’m down, the next one I’m fine (never great), but I am who I am. I can’t change myself. Besides people around me wouldn’t recognize me. There’s used to the melancholic bitchy me.
tanya
I just found this comment in my spam (WordPress is so weird), so I apologize for the delayed response. I think the key is to become comfortable with ourselves and our weirdness and not try to be something we’re not. Living according to other people’s expectations and comfort is the worst disservice to ourselves. I’ve almost destroyed myself doing that. The truth is, I don’t think I belong anywhere and never will. But I’m at peace knowing that. I’m a flight risk and an evolving and odd being, hoping to find and hold onto pockets of happiness. Sometimes I feel great, but most days fine is a success. It’s really good to hear from you, B. I am sending you lots of love and hugs. xo