standing in the sun
One year ago, fuelled by a dream, I set out on an adventure, a trip of a lifetime, hoping it could fix my brain, heart and whatever bits of soul I had left. Something that didn’t seem possible. I was like an appliance – assembled as instructed but utterly useless when the power was turned on. Before my trip, I was prone to meltdowns in grocery aisles and weeping openly on buses and city sidewalks. And what gnawed at me was the excruciating feeling I had been left behind, a sole E.T. desperate for a pair of pants and for the mothership to return and take me home. I just didn’t fit anywhere. So, though the task ahead was daunting, I threw my underwear and trust into a backpack and, as I closed the door to my apartment, hoped for the best.
The beauty of taking a leap, of risking comfort for the unknown, is that you don’t know what will happen or when. On a beautiful Tuscany evening, nine months after my travels began, I stood below the magnificence of David’s meticulously sculpted junk, in my glory and under his, genuinely buzzing. I didn’t dare refuse when a lovely couple asked if they could take my picture because some moments demanded it, and this was one of them. They had no idea of the significance of what they had captured. The photo they took wasn’t just of a weary, baggy-eyed tourist but a person who had finally reached the surface. The air was crisp, fresh, and intoxicating – and like a newborn thrust into the searing light, I inhaled it with desperate wonder.
On the train from Florence to my next stop, gazing out at a dream come true, it occurred to me that I had inadvertently fulfilled another. I’ve held onto one dream my whole life, but the dream I didn’t even know I had was a simple one. I just wanted to be happy. Man, it sounds easy, doesn’t it? But it’s not. We become adults, leave home, and promptly fuck everything up, then spend our lives trying to fix or cover up all the things we broke and keep breaking and feeling ashamed about all of it. On top of all that, you have to deal with the fact that throughout your life, people will hurt you, leave you, and die when you expect and least expect it, and then you don’t even know where to begin or what to fix first because you’re still trying to forgive yourself for the thing you said or did that one time and then that other time. You end up nothing more than a bag of blood and bones going through the motions of each day, wondering what the hell happened and how you got to where you are, asking yourself if you will ever be ok. At least that’s how it’s been for me.
During my travels, I received unexpected but necessary words, and what I began to understand in the months leading up to David is that forgiveness is the only path to freedom; it can, at times, be easy to give to others, but to yourself, whew, that’s a different beast. But to be truly free, to be your best self, to be happy, you must forgive those who have hurt you and let go of what has been lost. There’s simply no way forward if you don’t. But you also have to forgive yourself.
Standing in the glow of that outrageous sunset and sculpted man, captured in one remarkable image, is someone who realized they had done precisely that.
The remainder of my trip cemented the feeling that was birthed in Florence. There, I laid down my shovel and walked away. There was no more work to be done; I’d made my way out. My only job from that moment forward was to stand in the sun. With the giddiness of a toddler jacked up on fun dip, that’s exactly what I did.
And it was incredible.
Beauty-induced euphoria settled in my chest and no doubt a smile accompanied me each night as I slept. I absolutely could not believe my eyes. There’s just no way it was real. But my god, it was.
If my soul were cracked open, it would be lined with footsteps and sunsets, the ones that helped bring it back to life.
The little 12-year-old girl I once was hoped this dream would one day come true. So, as I stood stunned by what was before me, I thanked her for believing in something all those years ago and for patiently waiting for me to figure it out.
We did it, kid.
I’m home now, and for the first time, I have zero desire to flee the scene, to be anywhere but here. You won’t find me frantically searching for a way out. I’m fully present.
There’s something powerful about standing with my feet firmly planted in the earth, not gravitating in any one direction, just still, anchored by a peaceful knowing and an unfamiliar acceptance. There’s no jet stream to chase, no plans to be made. There is only here, right where I am.
And right now,
I am standing in the sun.
35 Comments
Brad
Yay! I’m so happy for you Tanya! It’s so wonderful to see your smiling face and this post filled with raw, honest discourse on your journey from pain to freedom. Your post reminds me that I’ve slipped into a very boring routine and hope to find my way to adventure, travel, and the kind of satisfaction you have. May you continue to stand in the sun and thrive. Big giants hugs of happiness. 😀💖
tanya
Thank you, Brad! Man, what a ride it’s been for me. It felt like I would never get here, even before I left on that flight in January, so I can’t tell you how happy I am. I’m still buzzing inside. I hope you find whatever brings this joy to your life. I want that for you because you are a generous and beautiful soul and deserve nothing less than that. Once you decide on something new and start doing it, you’ll wonder what took you so long. I know it. Big giant hugs right back, my friend. To standing in the sun 🥂☀️🌸
Writing to Freedom
Thank you Tanya. 🥂☀️🌸
Mark Lanesbury
Well done Tanya, it is a very profound journey to do the one thing we avoid all our lives…is to face ourselves through our fears. And with that, the intent in that love found in understanding it. And that inner smile having found it will radiate forever more. Yes, you can still trip and stumble but somehow that inner glow takes the edge right off it…simply because you now understand you. Take a bow Tanya, it is a very hard journey, but so much more appreciated because of that 🤗🥰❤️🙏
tanya
Ahhh, thank you, Mark! No doubt, I will trip and stumble, but the beauty is that I know that I am stronger and will dig my way out before I get too buried. What a gift that is. Taking a risk changes everything. It changed my whole life, and I could not be more grateful. Life is hard, too hard at times, but do I ever love living it. ☺️❤️
Mark Lanesbury
Well said kind lady. To touch that understanding within is a rebirth like no other. Everything changes. Thank you for a beautiful share 😀❤️🙏
tanya
Thank YOU, Mark ☺️
Nicole
It’s a beautiful thing to behold this testament to reaching deep into your inner strength (when you believed you were past your limit), believing in the possibilities of healing and changing your life, and finding that person you were at risk of losing—you! Thanks for the thoughtfulness of your words. I am so proud of you for going on this incredible journey, and for laying a new foundation for what is to come. Can’t wait to see you and give you a hug TK!
tanya
Thank you, my darling friend. Your support was instrumental; it always is, and I could not love you more. I went to battle to save myself, and even in my wildest dreams, I couldn’t have imagined this outcome. Thanks for being in my world and a part of this incredible journey. And thanks for believing in me and what I needed. It means everything to me. I’m going to hug your socks right off when I see you. Lots of love and hugs, Nic. xo
Anonymous
Wow niecy, you have outdone yourself. What a beautiful place to be.
tanya
Thank you, Auntie! Can you even believe it? It’s beautiful here and I think I’ll stay for a while. 😉 Send me some photos and stay safe. I love you ❤️
Anonymous
Awesome !
tanya
Indeed! 😀
ourcrossings
This is such a wonderful and inspiring post, Tanya 🙂 Life is not here to be lived in fear or unhappiness, of course, that is a part of living and learning but surely life is meant to be lived to the full with people by your side who fully support you while you’re doing everything you can to feed your soul. We seem to think we need something drastic to happen to make us realise we need to start living, but you could wait forever for someone to give you a nudge and awaken your soul or you can wake up in the morning and do that yourself. This is your drastic moment, right here, right now. You can’t just wait for the rain to arrive before you start thinking about your plans for the sunshine. You are your number one supporter, no one will get you further than you can with your own self-belief. We could have ten lives, but as far as we know we only have one, so isn’t it time to start living it? You are the person walking in your shoes, so you need to be the person in your life who is holding the map
tanya
Thank you so much, Aiva. You are so right. The thing about what I just did is that I gave myself the gift of peace of mind and happiness but also an ending with no regrets. If this life were to end for me, I’m ok with that because I did what I had longed to do. There simply are no words to describe how that feels. It took longer than I expected, but I also believe it happened when I most needed it. There’s no way I would have appreciated it the same way I do now. I’m just so darn thankful. A quote I listened to again and again is this:
‘You’ve got to make a declaration
That this is what you stand for
You’re standing up for your dreams
You’re standing up for peace of mind, you’re standing up for health. Take full responsibility for your life
Accept where you are and the responsibility
That you’re going to take yourself where you want to go’
These words are simple but powerful. I kinda think I did exactly what they described and it changed everything! Thank you again – I very much appreciate your words and perspective. xo
Yeah, Another Blogger
A powerful essay. I’m glad to learn that you have found your way.
tanya
Thank you, Neil. What a wonderful ride it has been 🙂
Miriam
Oh Tanya, I love this! Love your words, the sense of peace and acceptance I feel from you, and I love seeing your beaming smile. Seriously, your post gave me goosebumps. I’m just so happy for you. It can take a lifetime to find that peace and forgiveness and to be able to stand in the sun happily “with no plans” is awesome. Isn’t it amazing what we can do when we take a risk and open ourselves up to the ride of life? Love you girl and sending you a massive hug back here down under. Still looking forward to that red wine under the stars one day!! xx 😊❤️🍷
tanya
Miriam, it feels like I’ve been possessed. I’ve never been so clear-headed, at peace, and free, and I owe it all to taking a risk. I’m so proud of myself for finding the courage to walk away from it all and travel into the unknown – I had the time of my life. It was pure bliss, and it has imprinted on me. I can’t imagine where I would be right now had I not done that. Thank you for your support; it means the world to me. I promise we will have that glass of wine under the stars someday. It will be a beautiful moment for us. I hope you guys are doing well. Sending lots of love and hugs, my friend. ❤️🍷✨
Miriam
I’m proud of you too Tanya. How wonderful to feel so free and at peace. No looking backwards now, only forwards my friend. Life’s full of amazing times and unknown adventures waiting to be had, for us both. Big hugs. xx
Arionis
I’m so happy for you, Tanya! Boy, you aren’t kidding when you say forgiving yourself is the hardest part. Wish we had gotten to meet up while we were in BC, but the logistics didn’t work out. Maybe next time when we are out that way.
tanya
Thank you so much, Lee. I feel fabulous and I can’t even believe it. Haha. I’m so sorry I missed you when you were in BC. I must say, after reading about your adventure I’m just happy you are still in one piece. Are you still in Texas? Next time you are out this way, let me know. I would love to meet up! Big hugs, my friend.
D. Wallace Peach
What a beautiful post, my friend. Forgiveness is like a superpower, isn’t it? And it’s really tricky because it’s so hard to imagine how liberating it feels until it actually happens, and then BAM! all that weight evaporates leaving us light and airy and happy in the sunshine. I think we forgive when we accept that we can’t change the past; we can’t go back for a do over no matter how much we want or wish to. Time travel doesn’t exist, nor can we roll back the clock, so why drag all the weight of “if only” impossibility around. When we’re ready, we let it all go. You sound wonderful, and that makes my heart happy! Yay! Huge hugs, my friend. <3 <3 <3
tanya
Superpower is a great way to describe it, Diana – that’s precisely what it feels like. It was strange going through the rest of my trip without the need for answers. I needed nothing more, so I just absorbed everything around me. I was like a sponge, soaking up every bit of beauty and joy I could find. I’ve never experienced anything like it. And the beautiful thing is that it hasn’t faded a smidge since I’ve been home. This new feeling is not attached to a specific place. Though one particular place did hold the key for me, it just lives inside me now, and I carry it everywhere I go. It’s so cool. The risk paid off! Big hugs, Diana. ❤️
D. Wallace Peach
<3 <3 <3 It’s lovely to see you blooming. And I very much doubt the feeling will fade.
tanya
Thank you, Diana. ☺️❤️
Blogging_with_Bojana
Way to go girl!
tanya
Thank you, B! I hope you are doing well and life is being kind to you. xo
PS…your poetry is excellent, and you say so much with few words. I didn’t see a way to leave a comment on your last post, so I wanted to make sure you know that I felt all your emotion. Congratulations on getting published. Keep writing, my friend.
Blogging_with_Bojana
Trying to, though it’s not always easy.
Don’t know about the comment, though. Could be because it’s private now. If it keeps happening, you’d probably need to click on ask permission something…
And thanks. Appreciated, as always.
Khaya Ronkainen
What a beautiful and heartfelt post! I relate so much to your point about forgiveness being the only path to freedom, especially the forgiving of self. Kudos to you, for reaching a state of being “fully present and having no desire to flee the scene.” It takes a lot of work to get there. Keep standing in the sun!
ps. I’m also super happy to learn your name, and pleased to make your acquaintance, Tanya. 🙂
tanya
Thank you so much, Khaya. I appreciate you saying that. Getting to this place was a long, hard-fought battle, but it was so worth it. I’m not letting the sun get out of my sight again!
It’s also a pleasure to make your acquaintance, and I look forward to reading more of your posts. 🤗 Have a fabulous week.
Annika Perry
Wow! Tanya, what a powerful, raw and heartfelt post; your words touch me profoundly. Your journey to this day has been fraught, agonising, lonely and despairing but wow, you’ve done it! Young Tanya is cheering for you, clapping for your courage and the wisdom and happiness found along the way. Your joy is infectious- I’m smiling away reading your words, loving the photos of you full of cheer, sharing the beauty and wonder of Italy. Florence is a place dear to me, one of those times when the world was perfect … you’ve reminded me of a very special week and my emotions at the time. My dear friend, wishing you well, enjoy being home, having found yourself, your heart, your life. Your post teaches us a lot, will leave us pondering over our own lives. Hugs, Annika xx ❤️❤️
tanya
Annika, thank you for this deeply touching and heartfelt comment; it means the world to me. Your words are beautiful and encouraging. My hope when I write is to offer a perspective that might help someone in the midst of their own struggle, and you’ve made me believe that my words actually offer that and that they mean something. I can’t thank you enough for that. For so long, I worried that I would never feel a spark in my soul again, that I was merely a bag of bones and nothing more. Then, I arrived in Florence in the middle of January, and everything changed. All my hard work finally paid off, and I’m so grateful I was there when I finally came back to life. Florence is like a fairytale, and I love that it is also dear to your heart. It will forever be held in mine. Thank you again for everything. I’m so glad you are a part of this wild ride of mine and that I get to be a part of yours. I hope you have a lovely weekend, my friend. Lots of love and hugs. xoxo ❤️
Ann Coleman
I’m so happy for you!! Sometimes traveling can help us see things in a new and better light, especially when we’re in awe of the opportunity.
tanya
Thank you, Ann. Travelling offers new perspectives and brings so much joy, and I am so grateful I had the opportunity to do it. It changed everything for me. 🙂