the art of letting go
One evening, in August of 2018, three of my oldest friends and I were gathered around a patio table. Like we always do when we’re together, we were sharing absurd stories and laughing our heads off when a literal head fell from the sky and landed right in front of me. There was a collective stunned silence followed by a slow chorus of what in the hell?
Though it became clear a crow had dropped it, I couldn’t help but think the Universe had used that bird to send me a particularly dramatic message. When I looked up, it was just sitting there, perched atop the roof, looking rather smug that the mangled carcass was now lying before me. Jokes started soaring around the table about ‘Bird Saw The Movie’ and bird murder, of course. I mean, it was clear something terrible had happened to the bird that belonged to the head on our table. But behind my laughter was a tinge of dread; I knew it wasn’t just some random half-headed bird beak. No. It was a sign—an ominous one.
WOW. Was it ever. hahahahahahahahaha. *utterly unhinged laughter*
Things have taken a hell of a turn since then, and, well, pretty sure we all could use a dose of valium right about now to help deal with the unrelenting horrors ravaging the globe. Even the extraterrestrials are probably like, NO THANK YOU while adjusting their destination coordinates to planet Anywhere-But-Goddamn-Here.
I have often thought about that day and how I was just sitting there, absorbed in a singular moment, oblivious to what was unfolding above me. And how out of nowhere, that head appeared like a message from Satan himself. My life was once pre-beak; now it’s post-beak. There is no going back. And that’s how quickly it happens. Life. One minute it’s one way, and the next minute, you can’t even remember the before. In an instant, your life is rendered unrecognizable, and without even realizing it, you have become someone else.
When my dad told me over the phone 4 years ago that he had cancer, it was pretty shocking. Not because he had it – that diagnosis stopped surprising me long ago – but because my stepmom had been diagnosed the previous year. Now they both had it. What an incomprehensible reality. After being cancer-free for more than 10 years, her doctor delivered the news that it had metastasized to her bones—a devastating revelation. For my dad, his treatment would merely be a formality, not much to worry about. Well. Things haven’t quite turned out how we had hoped or even expected, and in recent months things have grown increasingly dire. To define the situation as catastrophic is not at all a stretch; it is.
At no time, since receiving their diagnoses, did I factor in the possibility of a global pandemic, the immeasurable suffering and loss it would inflict upon the world, or having contact with my family reduced to text messages and phone calls. I just didn’t see it coming.
Some days make me question if I am actually already dead and in Hell. Others force me to wonder if this is some distorted version of the Truman Show. Or if I am the sole participant in a deranged experiment. Am I the only mouse that can’t find the damn cheese? At times, I have caught myself searching for an exit; maybe if I look hard enough, I might just find a breach, a way out, a place where everything again makes sense. But I never find one.
This is it, man. This is life.
Most days, I manage to keep myself in check, but, on occasion, the rails come spectacularly off. On those days, you might find me in my office telling my stapler to get fucked while flipping it an emphatic double-bird. Suppose that is to be expected. One afternoon, while on a lunch break, I came unglued in a deli and made such a fool of myself, I immediately returned to work and told all my co-workers, and we haven’t stopped laughing since. We have speculated about the viral gold captured on video that day. My god. It will forever live in infamy as the Red Barn Tantrum, but I don’t feel at all ashamed because it makes me smile every time I think about what a complete jackass I made of myself. It’s the gift that keeps on giving. Probably to the folks present that afternoon, as well.
My preferred method of coping, however, is more reserved. I eat an alarming amount of ice cream, binge-watch Netflix, sit in the bathtub ’til I’m sufficiently pruned, read books, write, and refrain from mortifying myself in public settings.
When I feel myself teetering on the precipice, though, in danger of an imminent fall, I dance. When I’d rather wallow in fermenting rage or the throes of grief, I dance. I gear up, crank my music and let ‘er rip. I don’t stop moving until my legs are trembling and I’ve secured a safe distance between me and the edge.
Uninhibitedly letting go with music thumping at maximum between my ears carries me from despair to foolish bliss. It fills my lungs with fragments of hope and reminds me that no feeling is final.
It also reaffirms that joy is never far from reach.
As the days go by, the world becomes more unrecognizable, and I struggle to contemplate what the future might hold. It’s impossible to envision more than another pint of ice cream in my freezer. And maybe that’s okay. All that matters is this moment – the moment I am in.
My stepmom tells me these things often: be grateful for the good days, find joy in the small things, and learn from what is happening.
So. With her words in mind, I am moving forward by letting go of what was and accepting what is. The road ahead is uncertain, but I can’t help but wonder all that I will learn and who it is that I might become.
What I know for now is that I will keep dancing, probably meltdown at least once or twice more (Look for me in aisle 3!), and not lose sight of the gift it is to be alive and feel. Pain is a side-effect of love and relinquishing that is simply non-negotiable.
I’ll take the pain, thanks.
51 Comments
Elaine Baumann
Tanya this is a brilliant well written funny but serious subject matter I know you had difficulty with it because it’s to close to your heart I hope Kaye gets a chance to read it as it will make her feel better too Simply amazing love your dad as you know Big Hugs Mama Bear
tanya
Thank you so much, Elaine. Means the world coming from you – I know how connected you are to this story, as well. Thank you for being my Mama Bear. I love your socks off! PS…I texted the photo I chose. GORGEOUS!!
Tiffany
Yay! Loved it, made me feel all of the feels and laugh out loud. Thanks for sharing, so glad you’re back at it 🤗🤗🤗
tanya
Aww, I am so happy I made you feel all the feels and laugh!!! That’s what I was going for. I am so glad I am back at it too!!
Becci
Absolutely beautiful… thanks always for being so honest and real and sharing your truth with us… sending so much love to you and your family Tan ❤️ I am desperate to know about what happened at the red barn now though! Lol!
tanya
Without you, this wouldn’t have been possible, so thank you, Becs, for being you and for being my friend. Your encouragement and belief in me is something I am incredibly grateful for, and I know I am lucky as hell. Um, the red barn tantrum is best described in person, kinda like how I tell the tale of being put in a headlock in England right before I was almost murdered. Like that, only not quite as good. HA!
Becci
Ha! Still the funniest story I have ever heard! The imagery you tell it with makes me feel like I was there watching it the whole time! Love you to bits! Xo
Trish
Fantastic post Tan!! Funny and heartfelt and uniquely you.☺️ I’m glad you’re blogging again, despite the shitstorm and random message from hell! 😳 Keep on dancing friend.
tanya
Trish, THANK YOU! Man, I can’t tell you what that means to me to know that you liked it. Uniquely me is totally what I was going for. That goddamn bird was Satan, I am sure of it. I am gonna keep on dancin’!
Miriam
Tanya, it’s so good to see you back here, though I’m sorry to hear of both your parents diagnoses. Life can really pull some shitty punches can’t it. But keep being you my friend, we’ll all come through this bizarre year that’s been 2020 with a few few wrinkles but hopefully wiser. Stay sane and keep dancing (and eating ice cream). Big hugs xxxx
tanya
Hi Miriam. It is so good to be back and to be in contact with you once again. Over this past year, I have thought of you often and hoped you were doing well. Last year it was the fires, now the pandemic. It’s been total shit. You, though, with that rare perspective always find your way to the other side, and it’s what I admire in you so much. I am looking forward to being in your world again and having you in mine. I know you will help carry me through this unfathomable time and remind me that everything will be okay! Lots of love and a huge hug, Miriam.
Miriam
Oh Tanya, of course I will help you, in any way that I can from afar. You’re right, this year has been total shit, what with the bushfires then the pandemic. And Melbourne was hit hard. I think we had the harshest lockdowns in the world. I can’t begin to tell you, it was insane. But in a way it helped me to wake up. And to see that what was happening wasn’t about a virus but about control. It’s all been about control and manipulating the masses. We’re out the other side now but there’s still massive change afoot. Trust me when I say everything will be okay, it really will be. Stay strong my friend. We’re in an ever changing world that’s gonna get better. Sending you a big hug xx
tanya
You are a beautiful human, Miriam. Thank you for being you. xo
Miriam
Ditto Tanya xx
Blogging_with_Bojana
No one saw THIS coming. Ftr, I’m that mouse who’s been going through a rough patch as well.
So happy to read you again. I’ve missed you around, Tanya, and I know I’m not the only one. Can I say – Welcome back?
tanya
Aww, Bojana. Sorry to hear that you have been going through a rough patch, also. Sending you the biggest hug and lots of love. Hope you are okay. And thank you, it feels good to be back! I am looking forward to talking and sharing once again. I’ve missed you, too. xo
Blogging_with_Bojana
I’m not really ok but I will be. I always bounce back.
I’m looking forward too. Love back.
tanya
❤️
Mark Lanesbury
Beautifully written. It may indeed be a messy world but that is the only thing that will teach us love. That inner urge to find that love and happiness does indeed take us down many a road…but in the end the destination is amazing indeed, and it is that road of pain that will make us appreciate just what we have endured to be here. Like you, I’ll take the pain thank you 😀 ❤️ 🙏🏽 🦋
tanya
Hi Mark. What a beautiful comment; thank you so much. I couldn’t agree with you more. Pain is an influential teacher; it has shaped me in ways I could never have imagined. For it all, the good and the bad, I am thankful. When the end of the road comes for me, I will smile because I will know that I gave it my all and loved as hard as I possibly could. Life is messy, but so worth it. Take good care! xo
Mark Lanesbury
You take care also Tanya, many things have come out of left field at you and tested you tenfold…but the heart it is shaping will indeed be a beauty to behold. Just remember to breath and believe in you ❤️ 🙏🏽 🦋 xo
mydangblog
So happy you’re back and with such a beautifully written post. But the one thing I have to know is: is there really a video and where can I watch it??!!
tanya
Ha! There HAS to be a video. Good god, what an embarrassment. 😂 Thanks, Suzanne, I am so looking forward to hanging out with you again!
Writing to Freedom
It is so nice to see you back writing Tanya. You have a unique voice, full of humor and authenticity. I’m so sorry to hear about your parents. It’s a crazy world right now, with a glimmer of hope in the US after the election. But craziness still reigns and we have much to do individually and collectively if we want a world of love and inclusion that cares for people and planet over companies and profits. Hugs and stuff…
tanya
Brad, thank you; your words mean so much to me. To be blogging and connecting again with people like you feels fabulous! Holy, the world seems entirely unhinged at the moment. But I feel hope for the first time in a long while and believe that everything will be okay. It truly is a battle of good versus evil, but I do not doubt that good will win in the end. It has to! There have been days, though, that made me question if there was even a point to anything anymore because of the evil consuming the world. I believe that most people want a world like the one you described above; we just have to keep fighting for it. So good to hear from you once again!! Please take good care and stay safe. Hugs’ n stuff. 🙂
Writing to Freedom
You’re most welcome Tanya and thank you for the heartwarming and hopeful comments. 🙏
desertcurmudgeon
I’ve missed you, Tanya!
tanya
Paul!! I have missed you, too! I’ll text you later. 😀
anotetohuguette
It’s lovely to see your words here again, Tanya! I began following you just before your previous site went dark and have thought of you often…I’m sorry to read of your parents’ health issues, as a cancer survivor myself one learns to live in the now (pandemic be damned!).
tanya
Hi Kimberlee! Yes, I remember. You are so lovely, and I am glad you found your way back here. Thank you so much! I am sorry to hear that you had to deal with cancer, too, but I am so happy you survived it. It’s been a tough road for our family, but I believe you have to find meaning and purpose to continue moving forward, so I am doing that. And also living in the now, as you say. It’s all we can do. Thank you again. Take good care of yourself and please stay safe! xo
anotetohuguette
Thank you for remembering, Tanya! My cancer journey is eight years out and even though it was scary to see my specialist for my yearly check-up this year, it’s more important than ever to be brave and keep up with our health screenings.
We’re keeping safe and as healthy as we can…take care and be well. X
tanya
Aww, Kimberlee, I am so happy for you. Keep being brave and don’t let up for a second. ❤️
anotetohuguette
Thank you, Tanya! X
floweringink
Oh Tanya, I cannot even begin to tell you how happy it makes me to see you back here, to read your extraordinary brand of wisdom, humour and pure heart. This is the first thing I have read since arriving in Ireland, and I couldn’t have asked for a better read. You are an extraordinary talent and I have missed your words more than you know. Sending you all the love, my friend. And, sorry I missed the debut…under rocks and all that stuff. xoxoxoxoxoxoxo
tanya
Susan!!! A million times, THANK YOU!!! You are always so supportive and encouraging, and it means the absolute world to me. It feels so great to be back in this beautiful and inspiring world of blogging. I found magic here once before and look forward to the possibilities that lie ahead. And don’t be silly, no need to say sorry, you’re in Ireland, and I couldn’t be happier for you!! I hope the beauty of the new exciting world around you has renewed your spirit and brought immeasurable joy. I can’t wait to read the stories and poems you will soon share!! Lots of love to both you and Joe! YOU’RE IN IRELAND!! 😀❤️🍀
SpiritualJourney17
Looking forward to reading more of your heartfelt and humorous posts. Life can be a sh@t show sometimes but its how we react to it that matters. Laughter works for me. Stay well. x Bernice
tanya
Thank you so much, Bernice. I could not agree with you more! Our reactions are the only things we can control, so we have to find the strength to accept what we have been dealt and move forward and keep living. There is so much beauty and joy waiting for us if we just let go. Take good care of yourself, and thank you again. I am so happy you are here! xo
candidkay
First, I’m so sorry for the turn of events. I was envisioning you having grand adventures and life heading to the wild blue yonder in a beautiful way. Sounds like you have had a lot on your plate. Your methods of coping sound similar to mine and the dancing–well, yes. Just the other night as I was unloading the dishwasher, in the shower–you name it. When the feeling hits, you have to dance it out. Martha Beck mentions this in her books–that what we experience must be released through sound and movement or it can get stuck. Not to mention that your dancing probably offsets the ice cream and THAT is a bonus:). Sending you a hug through the ether and soooo glad to have you back.
tanya
Kay! Why had I not considered the benefits of dance in relation to my ice cream before now? What the hell? I should be eating MORE ice cream with all the dancing I am doing! You just totally changed my life. THANK YOU. I love that you dance, too. And I also very much love that quote. It’s true. The first time I danced, I was so depressed and decided to dance it out like Christina and Meredith, and by the time I was done, Lionel Ritchie had me Dancing on the Ceiling. I felt alive and happy, and I was smiling again. It was amazing. I haven’t stopped since. Life sure is weird. Makes me wonder how any of us get out of bed in the morning. I know you’ve had your share of adversity and heartache, yet you forge on with grace and strength and courage and never relent. I think you’re pretty awesome. It sure feels good to be back, and it’s wonderful chatting with you once again. Big hug, Kay.
candidkay
Oh, I feel the same! Really wonderful to have you back! And sending that big hug right back ‘atcha.
D. Wallace Peach
Ah, well here I am, having reread your words with greater attention. I love your stepmother’s advice, and honestly what else can we do that makes any sense. Besides dance. I’m so glad to “read” you and hope you continue to share your journey with us. And yes, it took a while for my lightbulb to turn on. Lol. So good to have your back.
tanya
It is so good to be back and chatting with you, Diana! 🤗 I have missed you. I look forward to the days ahead and sharing our stories with each other once again. Thank you for everything. It means the world to me. You are an amazing human being. ❤️
da-AL
fab post in so many ways! wishing you the best 🙂
tanya
Than you, Daal. ☺️Wishing you the best, as well!
DGGYST
I know I’ve been tanya’d when i both laugh and cry in the same post. So this birds head just……fell the fuck off? LIke………..I can’t even with that. Im so sorry about your folks, I can’t imagine having a sprained ankle during this pandemic, let alone caner.
tanya
Tiara! You always make me laugh, thank you. Imagine my surprise when that dead bird head appeared out of nowhere like it was totally normal! Umm, wut?! I am still traumatized. HOW ARE YOU?? I loved seeing you back yesterday and I hope you stick around for a while. You bring me oodles of joy and laughter. 🙂
DGGYST
Aw honey you are so sweet! The bird thing belongs in a goddamn book!! Its my new favorite story lol I’m doing good all things considered, healthy, no coronavirus yet but its a strange time to be an american. I actually have like 5 back blog posts that just need to be published, its been a strange year!
tanya
Let me tell you; I could write a book called ‘Absurd’ based on the random shit that happens to me. Bird heads and all. I am so happy to hear that you are doing well and that you are healthy. I truly cannot imagine what it must feel like to be a reasonable American right now. Like me, you must be wondering what in the hell is going on! My god. They might want to start developing a vaccine to cure the spread of conspiracy theories. Wow! Anyway, on the positive side of things, it’s good to chat with you again, Tiara. I’ve missed you. Oh, and nice work on having 5 posts ready to go. I can’t wait to read them! Dude, you’re amazing.
Mabel Kwong
I really liked your sense of humour and sense of reality in this piece, Tanya. Not every day you get a head of a bird fall right in front of you…Great you lived to tell the tale. Sorry to hear about your parents. It really sounds like a difficult time for you and your family. There’s the saying when it rains, it pours – and very challenging when you can apply it to tough times in your life. It has been such a strange year and hopefully you are doing well through this pandemic. Thank you for being real 🙂
tanya
Thank you, Mabel. You said it…it was super random to have a head plop down in front of me!! I am a bit of a magnet for the absurd, so I shouldn’t have been so surprised. It has indeed been a strange and painful year for so many. But we have to remember that there is still beauty in this world and to hold onto hope. I am doing that. I hope you are holding up well and are happy wherever you are! Thanks so much for reading and commenting; it means a lot! 🙂
Mabel Kwong
Yes, you are right. There is still beauty in this world and things will get better from here. It will take time but good and challenging times come in cycles. I’m doing alright over here in Australia. I haven’t had it too bad this year but hoping for more optimistic news for the world. Take care, Tanya 🙂